Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
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