I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Never underestimate the power of titties
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
