I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
operation have a gay friend backfired
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
