I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
