I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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