WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Randomize
