Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
