My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Randomize
