They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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