they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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