ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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