I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Randomize
