I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
