My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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