rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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