Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
