He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Randomize
