you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
