how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
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