how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
