I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
