Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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