2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
