She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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