So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
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The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
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I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher