The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Randomize
