dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Randomize
