i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Randomize
