why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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