apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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