Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
