So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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