guys are only as good as the porn they watch
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
The Olympian is in my bed
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
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