Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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