I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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