it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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