On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
