Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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