Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
pop tarts are not kleenex
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
