Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Randomize
