woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Randomize
