As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Randomize
