I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
