I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
you inspire me to be a worse person
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize
