please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
She bit a glass in half.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Randomize
