She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
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I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
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Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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