i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Can I color on your dick again?
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Randomize
