If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
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