Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
i black out too much to be "responsible"
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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