just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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