If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
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