i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Randomize
