i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
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