Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
