my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
