just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
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Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
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Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
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