Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Randomize
