I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
