4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
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