it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
