i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
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